*icekweem

Financial Aid forms are a bitch. Working 40+ hours and still being unable to pay bills and rent and, consequently, forcing myself to worry about my credit and how it will affect my eligibility for student loans - also a bitch. So basically, reality bites. If I could live in my dreams, I would.

The more I think about it, the more I take David Lynch's words to heart. An artist needs to have the freedom of time and space. It's essential. How can any creative juices be flowing when one is constantly bombarded with soulless practical requirements? And how, without said creative juices flowing seamlessly and mixing into delicious, magical artist juice, can I expect to get a job in my field in the future? PARADOX ALERT.

Perhaps I am flailing my arms about a bit too much and just need to get myself off more often and watch more Miyazaki films. I'll have two years at CalArts to study film, hopefully that will be enough. I've already gotten quite a bit of a head-start in terms of experience and theory, but there's a long way to the top if you wanna write, direct and produce.

Anyway, enough of this kind of talk.

How is everyone?!? Gosh, I really miss DA. It seems like a bazillion years since I've last logged on, for serious.

Here's a quick update of what's gone down in my life: I gots the most awesome girlfriend in the world (9 months, yo!), I got into the school of my dreams, Rock Band finally came out, Brawl was released (leading to a great deal of drunken/otherwise intoxicated partying), The Diving Bell and The Butterfly made me cry buckets, Sweeney Todd delivered beyond all expectations, Paranoid Park ruled, I left my job and found a new one that gives me more hours and treats me like an actual human being (albeit for less pay, but I'll settle for that), I filmed another movie with my siblings [link] , three movies with my close friends and one kind-of stoner/joke movie [link] , Heath Ledger died, Speed Racer and Indy kicked ass, Weezer came up with their answer to Bohemian Rhapsody [link] , saw The Dresden Dolls live, I finally had a proper dance at a prom, I'm kicking some rather bad habits of mine and trying to eat a bit better, I met a bunch of great friends... Hopefully soon I'll have ample time to have a good sit-down and work earnestly on my upcoming angst-ridden webcomic.

St. John's Wort is a pretty good herbal supplement for anyone looking for a decent and moderately priced over-the-counter treatment for clinical depression. I'm not exactly fond of pimping a medical product as I do not have a single well-framed diploma hung around the bedroom at eye level at the moment, but I would like to mention that so far it has been working for me.

It's very possible that there's something truly wrong with me, but I'm trying. So far I think I have done a good job of keeping myself in check. I don't lash out at people, and if I do, I try my best to make amends. I make it clear to others that whatever problems I am having are mine. I try to keep a distance from people if I feel that I'm draining or hurting them.

I mean, the anger management issues are subsiding, as are the panic attacks. I try to be strong for the people I love but I can't shake the feeling that I am seriously emotionally dependent on others' approval or whatnot. I used to think I could exist quite fine on my own and not need to worry about how the hell I'm going to feed my kids in 10 or so years. With regards to Alice, she doesn't talk to me anymore. Not even when I "need" her. Maybe it's because I am too surrounded by other people to hear her voice. But is/was she really the answer? She comes, purportedly, from within, so that's a good thing. Alice is/was a program, coded from C++ to keep my system from crashing.

But what good is an anti-virus program if the problem lies in the operating system itself?

These are things to figure out. Time helps. It always helps. Money would help as well, if it were available. It will be soon. Hopefully my first paycheck isn't as bad as I fear it will be.

Anyway, I always say this... but I hope I'm on DA more often.

Take care, everyone. I love you.